A quick prologue: When my boys were just entering their teens, I started taking writing workshops. While at a two-week intensive, I met a widely-published author I grew to respect. “I’m so envious of your success,” I admitted to her after our wrap-up meeting lasting longer than it was supposed to. She paused, then threw me a look of what I remember to be a mixture of anger and regret. “And I envy you,” she said. “I only wish I had a family.”
Now that my two boys are in their 20s and have flown the so-called coop, I’ve moved away from the pressing, nagging question of to be or not to be.
Is it best to be a working mother, or better to be a working mother?
No, that’s not a typo; you read it right.
ALL mothers work, whether that means they devote themselves to being a full-time stay-at-home mom or a mom with a career outside of the home.
So, that just about settles it…right?
Well, sorta. Because I’m still thinking abou a most interesting piece on the blog Grown and Flown, “The Mommy War Within.”
Now, the first thing I should tell you is that I shun controversy in any form. I’m a Libra, after all. If you’re a skeptic when it comes to all things astrological, trust me. In true fashion, a Libra’s sign is a scale. And one hallmark of a Libra is that he/she strives for balance.
So the word “war” sends shivers through my spine.
But I digress.
Reading “The Mommy War Within” got me thinking; taking me back to a place I haven’t been in a long while – not since I made the decision to stay at home with my two boys and leave my advertising career behind. Although I must admit that it was a rather easy decision. Yet… I was forever fraught with near-panic just anticipating the question: “And what do you do?” any time I met someone new or attended a business function with my husband.
Here’s an excerpt from Lisa’s thought-provoking piece on the subject:
Many young women are engaged in something characterized by the media as the mommy wars. In this “war,” women who have continued to work full-time while having children look down at their stay-at-home counterparts for backing away from the workforce. In return, those women who are caring for their children full-time, denigrate the parenting of women who have combined work outside the home with motherhood.
I don’t believe that women are at war with each other, but rather that any hint of a clash sells copy. If there is a conflict, it is inside each of us, not between us. The only mommy war I waged was with myself.
Yes, I waged a war within myself, too. I didn’t care much what other women chose to do: that was none of my business, frankly. How could I judge someone else’s personal decision? All I was concerned with was doing what was best for me – and in turn, for my children and husband.
After I had my first child, I decided I’d continue to work at my career, though part time. And I did so for a while. Working and parenting offered me a nice balance. But then, when Jonathan was just 10 months old, I got pregnant for the second time. After so many years of infertility, I was shocked but nonetheless thrilled at how effortless this second conception turned out to be.
My interest in working at a career waned as my pregnancy grew. And then, all hell broke loose: having two children just 19 months apart was simply too much for me. I can only do one thing at a time if I want to do it well, and I wanted to be the best mother I could be.
Then, even more hell broke loose. The kind of real-life-kicks-you-in-the-stomach kind of war. As close to a nuclear war as I can imagine.
When my youngest, Jeremy, was just 15 months old and his older brother Jonathan two-and-a-half, a diagnosis of breast cancer cemented me firmly in motherhood mode. I wanted to make sure that my children truly knew me and remembered me…”just in case.”
Here I am (!), many years later, my children grown into fine, decent, hard-working young men (can’t I boast just a little?) Is it because I was a stay-at-home mom that they didn’t get caught up in drugs or other problems? Is it because I was a stay-at-home mom that they are more sensitive and not “rough-and-tumble” boys? If it is, I’ll take all the blame. But it’s likely I’ll never know, nor do I much care.
All I know is that staying home and mothering my children myself was both a privilege and a joy. It might not be this way for another woman, with different sensibilities, needs and desires. It’s entirely possible that someone else choosing the same role would have been filled with regret and resentment instead.
P.S. As proof that things never stay stagnant (thank goodness), a epilogue of sorts:
When my boys were in high school, anticipating their soon-departure, I returned to college to pursue my passion of writing. After three years, on a chilly overcast day in May, I proudly marched up to the stage to accept my MFA degree from Sarah Lawrence College. It had taken a lot to get here. And it was the first time I’d ever worn a cap and gown (A long story, but I missed both my high school and college graduation ceremonies in 1972 and again in 1976.)
And today, you can find me busy at work as a health writer and blogger with an occasional toe that I bravely dip into essay publication, too.
I am now- and have always been – a Working Mother.
Sheryl, First thank you so much for mentioning our post and for reading it in the first place. While I remain conflicted it sounds like you found the right answer for you. I am busy trying to explore this topic because I feel with our kids grown we now have some of the answers of what works for women and what does not. Your story tells what seemed like the perfect solution for your family, so glad to have read it. Lovely post.
Thanks for giving me interesting things to ponder. And I do think it’s a topic worthy of much exploration!
First, congratulations on your MFA. What a wonderful accomplishment!
I, too chose to stay at home with my children. In my case, I would have to say that, yes, my being at home with them – especially my son, who needed a lot of my time and attention for a variety of reasons – made a difference. Would they have grown up ok if I had been working full-time? To be honest, I’m not so sure. I know that they are both very grateful and appreciative that I was here, at home, when needed, and that I was able to be there for them, at school, activities, etc, all the time.
I’m not saying a working mother doesn’t do as good a job as a stay-at-home mother. I just think different kids need different things – and I’m glad I was able to give mine what they needed, when they needed it.
Thanks so much, Sharon. You are so right – different kids have different needs – and I don’t think that point has been made that often in the mommy-war conversation.
My sons are also nineteen months apart! I stayed home with my children because that is what I’d always wanted to do. I never felt conflicted, but there were times I felt judged for being “just” a mom.
Like Sharon said, we can’t know what would have been if we’d made a different decision, but both my sons express how much they appreciate the childhood they had, at home with me.
Thanks for your thoughts, Ginger. Funny you’re sons are the same age difference as mine. Are they close? Mine are very close, which is so nice. And isn’t it so so nice that your kids appreciate their childhood. THAT is the best gift.
And I made a different choice — going back to writing and traditional jobs when my kids were babies. I do think our “inner” war about this spills into our relationships with other women; the stakes are so high and we all want to be reassured we’re doing the right thing. Like the rest of you, though, I made the only choice I could live with. There is no one prescribed way to bring up kids well and I get sick and tired of hearing exhortations to the contrary. We all do what we can, do the best we can. Good for all of us.
Yes, Ruth, I too feel it is a very individual choice and unfair for other women to judge one another. We’re all in this together, after all.
There is no right answer – just what works for you. I’ve tried this many ways – working as an attorney when my first was little, then testing out staying home with my second, then finally finding what worked for me – working from home, which gave me the flexibility I needed. Everyone has to figure out what is the best fit for them. I don’t even know why this has to be argued about anymore.
I was often advised that you have to follow your own heart and to do what’s best for you. I was also told that “If Momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy” so I took that to mean do what’s good for you and the rest of the nest will follow just fine.
I love the picture of you and your boys. Such handsome guys. I still have some girls for them…
Well, Lou, I’ll have to consult my boys and perhaps they will take you up on your offer!
Great post and conversation.
Although challenging, it’s great that women of our generation (and those after us) have had so many decisions to make that many in the prior generation never even had. I love the idea of the war “within” rather than “without.”
Great post!
Good post and yes, all mothers are the hardest working people on the planet. When we were young newly weds, I had always had visions of putting our daughter on the school bus and having her walk into a house, just as I had when I was a child, filled with the aroma of a soup cooking on the stove and the secure knowledge that one of her parents was there and would always be there for her (sorry, for those of you who have boys, I never fantasized having a son). But then reality hit and I knew I would always have to work outside of the home to maintain any decent lifestyle. We decided not have biological children because of this. We did have two exchange daughters for a year each and I about went crazy each day when I knew it was time for them to call me at work to let me know they were home safe and sound. If I had started my freelance career earlier, we may have made a different choice. I just knew that I could not work outside of the home and have children and feel right about it. I don’t doubt that some women can and I know that is also the right choice for them. We all have to make our own choices and shouldn’t judge others for theirs.
I think the right answer differs greatly in each situation. I’ve worked full time since my daughter was born, and I don’t regret it. But I love my work AND my daughter is thriving AND we could never live off the tiny little bit my husband makes so staying home just isn’t an option. It hasn’t been until very recently that I started to think that our kid needed more supervision and one-on-one time. That’s a long story, but now my husband will soon be the one who will be staying home. Financially that’s our only option. But there is no one ideal for every family. The best set up differs depending on many, many circumstances.
Interesting and thought provoking. But I agree that the war is waged within one’s self and you can do right by just thinking of your priorities and what is best for your family. Great post.