Sheryl Kraft

freelance health writer


By 35 Comments

Family Bonding

Some months before my sister Lynne was turning 60, she made her birthday wishes known to me: She wanted to celebrate her big birthday in Aruba with me and my mother.

My mom, my sister and me in Aruba (I'm in the middle).

My mom, my sister and me in Aruba (I’m in the middle).

The three of us hadn’t been in one place for a so-called extended period of time since…I can’t remember. Over the years, due to physical distance, work, raising families and general busy-ness, our times together were never enough. Lynne and I would meet in Manhattan (a halfway point for us) for an occasional Broadway show and lunch or dinner. But then, we’d go our separate ways. I’d visit my mom, or she would come here. But then it was time to say goodbye after just a few hours together or a sporadic overnight. When Mom’s macular degeneration worsened, she lost a chunk of her independence and spirit and could no longer could get behind the wheel to drive out to visit.

And of course, there were family gatherings where we had opportunities for togetherness – but it’s quite impossible to have serious, meaningful conversations when you’re in a room full of relatives of every age, including young children. Don’t get me wrong – I love these types of parties – but they don’t exactly foster anything beyond pure fun.

Aruba would give us an opportunity to spend precious time together. Just us. But I was a bit…worried (although I don’t know if that is exactly the right word). Would we all get along? Would we travel well together? Would we be able to be together for so many days without getting on one another’s nerves?

While it’s true that my sister and I grew up in the same household, my memories of  our time together are sparse. We were (and still are) very different people, not only physically but emotionally. My nature (I was a “crybaby” and tended toward introversion) – compared to hers (quite fearless and bold) – precluded much closeness.  In spite of  being close in age – we are just 20 months apart – I remember more times being separate, rather than together. My recollections are limited to a few key moments: sitting on the floor as young children playing with our dolls; standing in our grandparent’s bathroom together while she hacked off my hair (that’s a story for another time!); her lesson in how to wear a sanitary napkin when I (finally) got my period at 15.

Many childhood recollections of my mother have faded with time, perhaps dimmed even more by the trauma of my parents’ divorce when I was a teenager and my mom’s  subsequent move out of our home, where my dad and my sister and I remained. What memories remain are coaxed to the surface by viewing old photos or being reminded of instances long forgotten.

Yet memories can be unreliable and oftentimes selective. That’s why it’s important to form new ones.

Our four days together in Aruba were wonderful; full of closeness, affection and support.  I learned that despite differences, past disagreements or disappointments, it’s possible to strip away what existed and dig down to the layers of simple truth: that we are family, connected by a deep bond that is tough to ignore. Our shared history is part of the glue that holds us together.

This time, my sister and I played with our IPads, not our dolls, heads down in concentration, sharing the latest aps, music and books. We caught up on each other’s children and her grandchildren. And  when tears sprung to my eyes when we talked Dad’s recent death, I didn’t have to hide my tears for fear of being called a crybaby.  All was understood.

I got to enjoy every meal in the company of my family. I got to hold my mother’s hand and guide her through the unfamiliar pathways, returning the favor of long ago. I got to share laughter, ask questions I hadn’t been able to ask, gain a deeper understanding into our past.

Our DNA is more than just the sum of the genes that biology distributes at birth and carries through the generations. It’s also what makes us unique: our individuality, our perceptions of the world, and our willingness to share and accept what is not ours, as well.

Comments

  2. I loved your post about a wonderful family vacation. As I get older I find that personality differences fall away and shared history takes on special meaning.

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  5. I received this comment from Rob, and I’m posting it on his behalf (thank you, Rob, for reading and sharing your thoughts!):

    Nicely said. Going on vacation is harrowing. I always joke with my wife that there are only about 4 people (2 couples) who I can imagine going on holiday with for more than 3 days. Neither of them are ‘family’ altho one couple is my wife’s brother and his wife.
    As for my siblings; not a chance. I recently had a falling-out with my ‘closest’ brother, 4 years my senior. We’d been really close for many years, even working together on and off in several business ventures for more than 20 years..but about a year and a half ago, he just did something that irritated me so, and really broke my heart, that it is only quite recently (actually last week) that I could actually spend lunchtime with him (he lives 10 minutes away!!) But vacation together, nah….not yet.
    However, I do still visit my 86 year old mother in law in Florida several times a year, with my wife, and an occasional stray relation from ‘their’ side, and its always joyous….but, they’re not siblings.
    Anyway, as always, really enjoyed your tale.

    Reply

    • Thanks for commenting, Rob. It’s always nice to have a male “voice” here! So sorry about your falling-out with your brother; I do hope you are able to mend fences, if that’s what you wish.

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  7. I like three things so much about this: First, I was reminded of how important it is to ask for the gift of someone’s time. Second, it was a great expression of that unique bond that comes only from a shared history. And third, I LOVE the title of your blog.

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  10. How wonderful, and special, and unforgettable to spend a few days alone with a sister and a mother and abandoning busy, frantic lives for a few days of laughter, talk, and re-bonding in a beautiful, serene setting. How wonderful to find eachother again under the layers of children and grandchildren and work and responsibilities of adult life. I am the “Lynne” who convinced my mom and Sheryl to celebrate my birthday with me in Aruba, and it was the best 60th birthday gift I could have wished for. Thank you, Sheryl and Mom, for sharing this incredible time with me. I’ll never forget it.

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    • Lynne, I love to see your comment here. And thank you for convincing me (as only you can do) to do this. I loved being with you; it was so much fun and leaves me with memories I’ll have forever.

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  11. This is such a beautiful post. My sister and I have talked about going on a vacation with my mother, but we haven’t had a chance to do anything about it yet. Reading this makes me realize it really is something we need to make time for.

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  13. What a wonderful trip and a lovely way to share it. My sister and I had some trepidation when we took a week-long driving trip together. We’re ten years apart and growing up might as well have been form different planets, but as adults, we’ve find we have grown closer in age than we seemed to be back then, and therefore easier to communicate. We still had our moments, but the ones I’ll remember are the ones when we simultaneously wanted to do the same thing, and when driving back to catch our planes, we had a laughing jag that brought tears. For anyone considering such a trip–I’d say, “take a chance.”

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    • Vera, How nice you had that special time with your sister, too, and was able to erase the differences you might have had as children. Wise words to “take a chance.”

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  15. Sheryl, that was such a great story. How lucky for you to have had this very special time, just the three of you. I always regret that my Mom and I never got to go away, just the two of us, even for a weekend. By the time my Dad had died, she was to ill to travel anywhere and was barely able to communicate. I did, though, spend a great deal of time alone with my Dad, and for that I am so grateful. It is amazing that as we grow older, we really do enjoy the company of our family more than we did as kids. I know you will always treasure this very special trip and the memory of it will always bring a smile to your face when you reflect on it in the future.

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    • Sarah, how sad you did not get to go away with your mom; but I am happy for you you were able to spend so much time alone with your Dad. That is special. I had the same opportunity before my dad died, and you can’t trade that time together for anything.

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  16. As I grow older, I realize all the more how important family is. Now, when I visit with my daughters, an hour here, an hour there, I cherish the emotional depth of understanding and bonding you describe so well having experienced in Aruba

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  18. It sounds like a lovely trip! How wonderful that you could all spend time together like that.! You’re right, when you’re with the larger group, it is harder to spend quality time together, I don’t have a sister, but we do a fair amount of family vacations with my husband’s family and since two of us have children that are older (teens and college age), those that are there tend to watch the little ones, so that we can get away for a night out once in a while. It was great to meet you in NYC the other night at the Mini Bloggy Boot Camp!

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  19. What a wonderful idea. I still remember the time in college (a long time ago now) when my mom came and spent the weekend with me. Just me. We stayed in a hotel and just talked the whole time.

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