(Photos.com)
This past weekend, we had dinner with friends who we haven’t seen in ages. As usual, the conversation, after being a lively one between the four of us, narrowed down to the guys discussing sports with one another (with some business thrown in) and the ladies discussing…well, anything and everything.
Honestly, sometimes I think the worst of what I think is my tendency toward ADD emerges when it comes to conversations when you haven’t seen someone in a long time. We jumped manically around the subject of books, movies, kids, travel, hair (isn’t that always a big one? Especially when it’s super-humid out), clothing, parents (that subject is not one that everyone can have, since sadly, so many of our parents are gone by now)…until we realized our food was growing cold and we weren’t really that hungry anymore.
Finally, when all the chatter settled down, hubby’s friend B (whom I adore – he’s the kind of guy that I can have deep and meaningful conversations with) challenged us all with a question: “What would make you lose a friend ? I mean, how bad would they have to act?” Apparently, someone had told him that he was the nicest, most tolerant and kindest person they knew, and there was no way they’d believe that a person like him would – or could – ever lose a friend.
That question got me thinking about friendships. Friendships are like a pantry: there are a variety of things in there, all for various reasons, but sometimes the shelves get over-crowded, the cans get dented or the expiration date passes – and you have to just break down and clean it out.
Irene Levine, who is both a good friend and a friendship expert, says in her book, Best Friends Forever, “…there are some friendships that are definitely not worth saving because they are fatally flawed. It takes wisdom and insight to be able to discern the difference between those that are keepers and those that aren’t.”
And I’ll take the liberty of adding another word to the second part of the sentence: It takes wisdom, insight AND COURAGE.
I’ve found, especially as I get older, that my many friendships have taken on different shapes and meanings. Some have dwindled to the point of evaporation. I can’t really put my finger on exactly why, but I suppose if they were “important” enough, they would have stuck through, as they say, thick and thin. Nothing really “happened;”meaning there were no fall-outs or disagreements. Like plants that aren’t given enough light or attention, they just withered on the vine.
Then again, other friendships have surprised me. They’ve deepened with the years, been resurrected from the past (although in different iterations), even though these friends and I don’t see one another often. Perhaps one reason is that as time passes, we experience more upheaval in our lives: loss, illness, divorce, money problems, relocations, job issues. And when bad or challenging things happen to us, we turn to our real friends for help. It’s the people who will listen and make time for us that are the friends who are genuine and real. Those friends who care and show they care are the ones that stick.
There’s another thing about friendship that surprises and warms me as I get older – and that’s how I’ve been able to form new, close friendships. My (faulty) reasoning used to tell me that it’s tougher – or even impossible – to make new friends as you age. Learning all about someone’s past that I was not part of is both challenging and exciting – I have to remember the fine details of things that they share with me but at the same time, I get to know them as who they are today, without the baggage from the past. No explanations necessary.
There’s no judgement. There’s only listening.
And then there’s that undeniable feeling of joy and appreciation for those shared moments; those intense let’s-solve-the-problems-of-the-world discussions; those late-night texts and emails when you thought everyone had gone to bed and forgotten about you; those snippets of sheer elation when you know that not only you have been heard, but that you are truly loved, despite your (perceived) flaws.
Friends keep us healthy.
So to all my friends – those who are old, new, resurrected, single and coupled, I raise a virtual glass.
Thank you for caring. And thank you for being my friend.
Want to read more about friendship?
http://mysocalledmidlife.net/who-needs-friends-we-all-do-and-why/
Alexandra says
This post rings so true for me. I have fewer friends than when I was young, but the friendships that remain are deeper and more meaningful.
SherylK says
So true, isn’t it? And I feel fortunate that it’s not just true, but that I recognize friendship’s value.
Cathy Chester says
What a beautiful post from my new beautiful (inside and out) friend. I felt you were talking with me, next to me, like two old girlfriends discussing the new meaning of friendship during midlife. We are blessed with old friends, and with new ones. I consider myself blessed to have met you.
Here’s to many years of coffee clutches (we need to make time!), late night texts and fun spa times together!
SherylK says
Oh, thank you, my (new) friend! I feel the same way; blessed to have met you. Bringing new friends into my life is a real joy.
Mo at Mocadeaux says
When my kids were younger, most of my friends were the moms of their friends. I still remain close to some of those people, but some friendships have faded away. As an empty nester, I have met people and forged new wonderful friendships with people I have met through activities I enjoy. The secret ingredient to some of my friendships is a long shared history together and for other friendships it is the shared common interest or hobby.
SherylK says
Thanks for dropping in, Mo! You raise a very good point. It’s never too late to make new friends and shared common interests and hobbies are always a fabulous way to meet like-minded people.
Estelle Sobel Erasmus says
Love this Sheryl. I think that there is value in both very old friendships-like my friend I met when I was 5, to newer friends who meet the time-ripened version of who you now are. My best friend and I had a 14 year hiatus and then reconnected when I was in my 3rd trimester; and I treasure her now even more than I did when we were carousing single gals. We’ve both matured and our friendship has grown richer for it.
Estelle
SherylK says
That’s amazing, Estelle, that you re-ignited a friendship after so many years. So nice to know that it’s not only possible to go back, but it is possible to do it even better.
Lou xoxo says
What a beautiful post. I also felt you were talking directly to me. I am a lucky woman to have you in my life. And, in my back pocket when I’m feeling blue.
Love ya Thel. xoxo
SherylK says
Well, Lou, I must admit that you were right there in my mind as I wrote this, so there! I am blessed to have you and to have forged such a special friendship with you at this point in my life. xoxo
merr says
This has me thinking about connections, and how over the years the desire to connect expands and deepens. My friends are all different, yet there is an indescribable x factor. It seems humor is always important, as is depth.
SherylK says
I guess you are right, Merr – at least for many of us. Some other people, I’m afraid, lose patience at trying to make new friends as they get older, or have trouble connecting with people. I feel fortunate to be among women who want to connect and expand their network of people with that indescribable x factor. And I agree that humor and depth are key!
Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com says
Hi Sheryl….what a nice post and good perspectives on friendship. I consider a big key to a SMART life to be filled with quality relationships and friends so of course this all made LOTS of sense to me! I don’t have a close family or children so friendships have taken the place of those relationships and I value them highly. It remains a priority to be the very best kind of friend but I also find that as I discover the courage to be myself and act as authentic as possible that sometimes friends who came into my life from a different time of life drift away when you no longer fit their needs. That can be hard–especially if you’ve invested a lot of time and energy in the relationship, only to have it dissolve. But what’s the alternative? Not getting close to people? I think it is similar to forming any type of love relationship. You have to put yourself out there and trust yourself and the other person enough to know that the gift of a great relationship is always worth it. Thanks for these reminders! ~Kathy
SherylK says
Kathy – thanks for sharing your thoughts. Yes, the alternative is often loneliness – one that I wouldn’t care for. Many times it is so valuable to put ourselves out there and reach out to new friends – oftentimes we’re surprised by what we find on the other end.
Jane Boursaw says
Some people you just connect with, and you know you’ll be friends with them forever, even across the distance and years. For me, one thing that makes it difficult is when friends are so focused on themselves (yes, I’m dealing with this right now), and never ask how you’re doing or what’s happening in your life. That’s kind of a biggie.
SherylK says
Oh, Jane, I know just what you mean. Someone who is self-absorbed and never asks about you is so draining. On the other hand, when you connect with someone, it is the polar opposite, and so rewarding, isn’t it?
Irene S. Levine says
Really lovely post. To have friends you need to be a friend, like you!
SherylK says
Glad you enjoyed it, Irene…and thanks! Sometimes people forget that being a friend is work – but well worth it.
Jennifer Margulis says
My hair looks GOOD when it is humid out. Tee hee. I agree that I have been happily surprised that I have made good friends as I get older. Somehow I thought it didn’t work that way but it does.
SherylK says
You are one of the lucky ones to have their hair improved by the humidity!
And yes, sometimes making good friends later in life is a surprise, but a rather pleasant one!
Kerry Dexter says
so much wisdom here, Sheryl, and well shared. for some years, my strongest and best friends have been people I connected with when I was on the road a lot, and who live at a distance from where I have been these last few years. keeping strong friendships going within that circumstance is, I have found, challenging at times and yet also entirely natural, and makes those times we do get to see each other face to face all the more interesting. as you write, it’s all about the listening. thanks for this thoughful post.
SherylK says
Glad you enjoyed the post, Kerry, and thank YOU for your feedback. It’s nice to know that despite being on the road a lot you are able to make and maintain good friends. And I get the sense that you are a very good listener, just from your words.
Kathy B. says
Amen and Amen and again I say Amen…:):):)
SherylK says
Thanks for that, Kathy! 🙂
Lynne Miller says
Thanks for posting this thoughtful piece, Sheryl. I really value my friends and I try to keep myself open to new friendships. Even when life is really hectic, we need to make time for the good people in our lives.
Marielaina Perrone DDS says
Excellent job. Friends are an extension of our families.