Now that I’ve had a few years to settle into my so-called midlife, I have some bones to pick.
There are those two words…so common to the boomer generation…that stick in my craw. (Okay, that expression should be struck, too.)
I’ll admit there are some words that deserve to live together eternally. Like “King” and “Queen;” “Odds” and “Ends;” “Bread” and “Water.”
“Wrinkles” and “Botox.”
Okay…stop me!
But seriously, why do these two words – “Midlife” and “Crisis” – have to travel hand-in-hand? Do you mean to tell me that nearly 79 million of us (that’s how many baby boomers are gracing the earth in our country at the moment) are making major life changes because of a crisis?
If you ask me, those two words are a volatile pair that shouldn’t be together, just like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, or Bonnie and Clyde.
“Midlife Crisis” even has a place in Webster’s Dictionary
After reaching for my nearby magnifying glass, I read: “A period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized esp. by a strong desire for change.”
“Change” is one thing. It’s necessary for growth, it keeps things moving. Because if we didn’t have change – and things stayed stagnant – well, how boring would life be?
And “desire?” I like that word, too. It means we are alive, we have passion, longings, aspirations.
But here’s where I cringe: “Turmoil.”
Why this word?
Does change have to be fueled by turmoil? Or is this only when it refers to changes made in midlife?
I know plenty of people who have made changes around midlife (myself included). And why not?
It’s a time of reflection, of having lived long enough to be able to look back upon our mistakes/desires unfulfilled/dreams – and make them happen now.
It’s also a time when we’re most likely to be open to change. The distraction of raising children might be behind us. Feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy have finally dissipated enough to give us forward momentum.
Experience has paved the way for us to read our inner compass and head in the right direction (or even a different one).
Fear takes a backseat to desire, perhaps fueled by knowing that it’s now or never.
The actual change that comes about is usually a positive step toward something better, or at the very least, a step to self-discovery that we might never have experienced before.
So I hereby propose a change to the dictionary.
Why not say… “Midlife Change.”
Or “Midlife Alteration.”
Or even “Midlife Modification.”
Those words fit together much better, don’t you think? Kind of like “love” and “marriage.”
What kinds of changes has midlife brought about in you?
Have you made any changes – or might you be contemplating any major changes – that have never occurred to you before now?
(Photo credit: Photos.com)
Morgana Morgaine says
Yes! Midlife “Crisis”– overused and self -fulfilling– like when menstruation was viewed as the “curse”–what we see is what we get!
I think that the “crisis” view of midlife has been fueled by old dead rigid thinking that hopefully is breaking down now—rigid thinking like one marriage partner and death do us part is the mark of being normal and mature, sticking with one job or profession is also the mark of steadiness and a stable adult. Even being steadily heterosexual or gay “for life” is an unrealistic pressure and shame – based way of telling humans what is acceptable and normal—all these beliefs and many more, I am sure, create a crisis time when we have lived a good bit of our life and are entering a new phase. In contrast. when we give “living life” some slack we see that everything is in flux, everything changes –like the weather — and it is just a part of growth and development to change partners or jobs or even sexual preferences (if the strong taboos linked to these natural inclinations to explore and love “persons” instead of genders don’t get ya) as we “finish” with certain experiences or “lessons” and move on to new “learnings” and adventures. Like the Chinese proverb (loosely translated), I see midlife as a field of options and opportunities and hardly a crisis! And didn’t Auntie Mame say: “life is a banquet and most poor fools are starving!” I agree.
Thanks for bringing this topic to us!
Morgana Morgaine, Author and delightedly a Borderless Broad!
Sheryl says
Great reply, and thanks for weighing in!
Irene S. Levine says
With more time to myself and less family responsibility on both ends, I’ve found a new career~
Sheryl says
Me, too, Irene. That’s the beauty of taking advantage of opportunities!
Elizabeth B says
How about a midlife course correction, instead? My life was a mess, and I’m on a much better path now.
Sheryl says
Perfect! And I’m glad you have corrected your course and it has brought you onto a much better path. Thanks for sharing.
Ginger Kay says
It is rather sensationalist, isn’t it? Rather like the “identity crisis” teens are supposed to have, but most seem not to navigate without actually being in crisis. Perhaps that is it – middle age is the adolescence of adulthood.
Chloe Jeffreys says
I agree it doesn’t have to be a crisis. What felt like a crisis to me about it was how unexpected it was to feel the way I did (and do). I had expected by now that I’d be sitting and enjoying the fruits of my labor, not over-hauling my life and make major changes like I am. But I think for me the crisis has had more to do with the death of my mother than any particular birthday.
Sheryl says
Oh, I’m sorry that the crisis came in the form of losing your mother. I guess that is what crisis can really mean, when, in midlife, it is common to lose a parent. I never thought about it in those terms. Thanks for writing, Chloe!
Phoebe says
As I’ve been preparing to launch my own blog, I, too, have been contemplating the use of the term “midlife crisis”. I dislike the connotation. It seems to me to be a matter of perspective. I have always sort of “looked forward” to the next stage in life and middle adulthood is no different. I, too, see the opportunity in this season of change and rediscovery!
Walker Thornton says
I’m not sure we need to bother with creating a name as it implies that there is something that has to be named. We have change at every point in our lives-college, marriage, children, career–if we take some of those paths. No one every creates ‘bad’ names to define those years. You don’t see men sitting around creating names for their life cycles.
Let’s stop spending so much time trying to label these years and just focus on enjoying and creating and living.
Haralee says
Modifiers and various adjectives are optional. Mid life is well midlife!
Carpool Goddess says
I agree! Let’s get rid of “midlife crisis,” it’s so negative. I am feeling a now or never urging and it’s exciting and thrilling to experience this again, at my age.
Helene Cohen Bludman says
Great point. “Crisis” presupposes a time of great difficulty, when in fact midlife can be a transformative time of growth and positive change. I’m with you. Let’s get rid of that old chestnut.
Rollercoasterider says
“why do these two words – “Midlife” and “Crisis” – have to travel hand-in-hand? Do you mean to tell me that nearly 79 million of us (that’s how many baby boomers are gracing the earth in our country at the moment) are making major life changes because of a crisis?”
Is it a requirement that the word teenage be followed by angst, or twos be followed by terrible? No. Twos is a bit unusual, but it could be followed by and threes. By the same reasoning, I agree that midlife should not and need not be followed by crisis.
Not all twos are terrible and not all teenagers are angst ridden. But does that mean we should deny they are for some?
““Midlife Crisis” even has a place in Webster’s Dictionary
After reaching for my nearby magnifying glass, I read: “A period of emotional turmoil in middle age characterized esp. by a strong desire for change.””
While not inaccurate, that definition is slim—and I understand that, a dictionary definition is not supposed to be an essay.
My definition begins first with midlife transition:
Midlife transition is a time for self-questioning, thus it’s a quest. It’s about change; denial and attempts to avoid the transition yield crisis which manifests through avoidance, regression and depression and in the context of a marriage often includes infidelity and separation. To further differentiate from what may be considered a mild form, MLCers react overtly with outward destruction; whether intentional or not, an MLCer hurts other people in significant ways. The crisis is not a disease but dis-ease.
A key point is that not all transitions are crises and yet some are. A midlife crisis is a normal life event—midlife transition—that has escalated to crisis levels of emotional and mental turmoil—which are not normal.
Why the word turmoil?
Because an MLT at crisis levels(MLC) is tumultuous.
I don’t like it when people/media/society… make midlife crisis into something that is common because it makes it easier to deny the real thing and when that happens people don’t get help. I’m not talking about the MLCers—they don’t want help—I’m talking about their left behind spouses who are told to forget about their spouse, they aren’t worth it…BLAH BLAH BLAH After 30 years and 3 kids, really, forget about them; they aren’t worth it?
I am also bothered by those who try and make MLC into something we all experience and I am bothered by those who (often as a backlash to those who say it is common) say there is no such thing. There’s still such a thing as teen angst, the terrible twos and green-eyed people (~2% of the population) and people aren’t out there denying they exist.
I am embracing me entry into midlife—in some ways a bit early due to perimenopuase that started in my mid 30s. But that was not how it began for my husband. He left for someone else and followed the stereotype—accept that the alienator was not a younger woman, but 11 months his senior. He was in turmoil. Our marriage was in turmoil. Me, I was insistent that it would not destroy either of us as individuals or our marriage. He’s still in midlife, but no longer in MLC and it’s wonderful now. But I am not going to sugarcoat and deny that for a while it was a crisis.
“Why not say… “Midlife Change.”
Or “Midlife Alteration.”
Or even “Midlife Modification.””
I agree, why not? But that doesn’t need to be a new way of framing an actual MLC. I use the term midlife crisis for specific cases. Many of the left behind spouses I work with wish MLC were more known, more talked about and more accepted—medically I think. I do not think MLC should be upgraded to a disease, but I know what they mean. When the label is used liberally it dilutes the reality and those of us who experience the real thing (either by having our own or being the projected target (spouse)) get dismissed or ignored.